Out of Gas

My graduate speaking class has been great this semester since it is by far the most relaxed. I enjoy my American Lit and Writing classes, but they are nothing compared to the environment in the speaking course. I have the same six students in the speaking course from one of my literature courses, and they are certainly a good bunch of students. Usually we just do activities: a lot of role-playing such as zombie apocalypse/desert survival or activities like the lying game (come up with two truths and one lie, and the others have to guess which is the lie), and for our class this past week we played texas hold ‘em and blackjack since our last two weeks of class will be exam preparation…wanted to give them something nice to remember me by. Regarding the homework, I don’t like to assign too much since these students have plenty of other homework from their large assortment of classes. There are only two kinds of assignments for this class: preparation for speeches and bringing in a BBC article. The BBC article happens quite often and it is a fairly straightforward, simple task; I have them print out an article of interest off of BBC and then they bring it in, read it to the class, and discuss key points. Normally, they will bring in something interesting and it will be engaging for the whole class. One article in particular caught my fancy the other week and the link is as follows:

http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-34473588

The idea of truly getting lost is an intriguing one, since the act of not knowing where you are is something we tend to avoid at all costs, especially those like me who always want to be in control of their surrounding environment. Going back to my very first blogpost about China, it was about this very feeling of anxiously looking for the right direction:

http://thepeepleschamp.blogspot.com/2014/09/on-bus-bound-for-nowhere.html

Crazy how quick things can change in a little over a year’s time (and my understanding of Chinese culture…thinking before being left-handed would be seen as weird because they train children to use their right hand and instead being left-handed and wearing glasses automatically makes me intelligent and artistic…if only). It is also funny reading the beginning where I talk about my first impressions of Rik (my former boss, who left my previous school and works at the same university as I do now, just in a different department), and now knowing what a low-life scumbag he is (how naïve and fresh off the boat, I was).

I remember being a child when exploration was key in my everyday life. My sister, Jacob and I used to discover new worlds in our backyard as our imagination ran vivid in the scenery. I recall my grandmother bringing me along on car rides to the grocery store because she knew I would certainly find the way there everytime. I can still picture road trips with my family to Grammy’s house and telling dad the turns to take on backroads through the memory of venturing through them so many times before. By the time I got my driver’s license, I needed my gps plugged into my car to tell me directions for any place I needed to go. Even if it was a location I had been many times before, if it was more than 30 minutes from my home, I did not feel comfortable finding it without the gps instructing me on the exact route I outta take. Within just a decade, I’ve gone from a steadfast seeker of worlds to a mere copycat of his technological puppet master. Tis a pity, but the truth can be a cruel mistress at times…or so, it goes.

I was speaking with a friend back home the other day about the process of writing. We both agreed that sometimes the hardest part of writing is the motivation since there is always the voice in the back of our heads that say our time could be devoted to something…more practical, for lack of a better word. I confessed the greatest way to inspire writing was travelling, and not only travelling to faraway lands as I did with my venture out here in China world, but also taking alternative routes to get to places and keep a watchful eye on the landscape living around you. It is one thing to preach how to write and another taking those words to hurt, so I took my own advice and put it to the test.

On the way to DnD night this past Wednesday, I stayed on the bus for an extra stop and got off at Qingniwa bride across the street from the luxurious Pavilion mall (note: Malls in China are actually sweet, because they are typically home to some fabulous restaurants, such as BlueFrog and Lenbachs in this case, a bar with epic burgers and a fancy German restaurant respectively). I had been to Pavilion quite a few times, but I had never walked the street behind it. If I had gotten off the bus a stop earlier, it would have taken me 25 minutes to get to my mate’s place, so I figured account another 10-15 minutes into the equation for my arrival time: 6:55 pm. It seemed a simple task because the surrounding area was mostly familiar to me, but walking down the street for a few minutes, I quickly got lost and had no clue where I was going. DnD wouldn’t start until well past 7 pm, so I discarded anxieties and kept moving forward keeping an open eye at anything I passed during this journey. There really wasn’t much to see, the same old landscape that encompasses the majority of the Dalian scene, but I was completely dumbfounded by the fact that none of what I was seeing was familiar, considering the close proximity of the area to locations I had traveled time and time again. I knew that just a few minutes north of me, was the path I would take to walk to my old job, but this road I was currently on was something I had never strolled on prior. Furthermore, everything seemed deserted except of course the roads, since Chinese roads - apart from the countryside - are always crowded with cars for miles and miles. I truly felt like I was strolling through the ol’ North Carolinian ghetto as I stepped hastily by abandoned buildings and people in shaggy clothing. I kept my eyes open and everything seemed desolate, except the train tracks to my right where a train passed me by in a split moment during the journey. I came across a sign that read “Renmin guangchang (People’s Square) 1 km to the left” so I knew that meant I outta turn left since my destination was near there. Sure enough, I came to where I was looking for within the next ten minutes walking down a narrow backstreet, eventually coming across huanghe lu which I knew I outta take a right on to get to my destination. And sure enough, there it was in a matter of minutes.

This experience isn’t much as a solitary experiment, because at the end of the day, I didn’t observe much during my journey from Qingniwa Bridge to my mate’s house. However, the lesson learned is an important one that I hope to utilize during the extensive time I am off between fall and spring semester. This lesson, one that we can all learn from, is taking a fucking chance to try a new route, or even a new way of thinking, without the aide of some crutch, to insure we don’t fall or choose the wrong way.  I could’ve easily gotten lost on this journey, even with finding the right way, it took me an extra 30 minutes to walk to my mate’s flat when from the position I started at, should’ve only taken an extra 10 minutes if I chose the correct route. And there is the lesson: who am I to say what the correct route is? I arrived at my destination by the end, and even if I hadn’t, I arrived somewhere by my journey’s finish and that is a task well worth celebrating. I haven’t done it much, but I am hoping to spend more time adventuring through Dalian (with no technological aid, because I’ve explore the city a good deal but always with a mate or knowing exactly where I’m going) into parts of the city for no reason other than just venturing. We spend so much time molding ourselves into these goal-oriented robots, that we forget life is not simply obtaining achievements and trophies, but rather discovering new ways to do things, and discovering new surroundings around us previously unknown. I hope to write to you all in the next few weeks of a journey that involves me getting on a bus I’ve never been on before, getting off five stops later, walking until I find another bus I’ve never been on, getting on it until five stops later, walking yet again until another bus I’ve never stepped foot on for yet another five stops, and then when I get off at this final stop, explore the world around me and see what it has to offer. We got comfortable with doing the same old thing from day to day, and even though I traveled half way across the world to China, I have also fallen victim to this unfortunate phenomenon of seeking nestled shelter wherever I see, when really I should be embracing life for the various wonders I have yet to embrace. Merry XXXmas, and a happy new beer. 

Discovering the Self amongst Winter in Ghost Town, China

Winter arrived suddenly; autumn passed over silently; the memories of summer a dim memory playing a discordant melody in the background.  I bought a PS4 recently because I knew I wouldn’t be leaving my house much during such a dire time of year. I thought maybe this could be a time to get back into writing and finally begin the first steps into that premiere novel I’ve put off for year after year. No time like the present, but it’s a shame when there’s never any feeling in the present. 3 more weeks in the semester, 2 weeks of marking thereafter, and then 6 weeks off. Will I fully utilize that time to pursue artistic interest? Maybe finally learn Chinese after a year and a half living here. I can relearn guitar since this guitar has been sitting round for half a year with barely any play. Perhaps hit up the gym more since my developing beer gut seems a health issue. I’m not sure yet what potential I will achieve come the winter holiday starting mid-January, but it is certain I won’t have too many options in leaving my house so I’ll need to make the most of it. My whole plan of getting this university gig was it would put me into the environment of academia and thus would inspire me back into my own academic pursuits i.e. my writing career and pursuing my master’s degree.

Near the middle of the summer, I began to await winter’s return because the heat was becoming too much. The grass is always greener, in this case greyer. Winter’s arrival has not been the greatest, yet it has reminded me what time of year it is: Dungeons n Dragons. I began my first campaign as DM (dungeon master, for noobs who don’t know) this past Wednesday and so far it has revitalized the creative spirit nestling inside of me. The introduction to the campaign was taken directly from Fallout 4, since I have logged countless days in the past 2 weeks and it has taken total control of my brain. Because it’s far too grim to play a post-apoctolyptic wasteland for the whole campaign, I am currently working on a world map and giving players options to choose which worlds they want to spend adventures in and I will draw up cities and adventures in these cities (and not surprisingly, everyone wants middle earth and I’m all like aye LOTR is average). It was awesome playing the evil conjurer Ted Flannigan in our previous campaign, yet thus far it has been so much more rewarding being the DM, the person needling in the fabrics of the story and watching his creation unfold before him with the help of an epic crew. The crew is also a lot more rounded out this time around: two heavy-hitters, a squirrel person capable of communicating with vast amounts of creatures, a bard with amazing support abilities, and of course the all-powerful mage with his major setback of being such a fragile little thing. We had to spend most of the night doing character creation, but I am sure this is something I will be looking forward to every Wednesday during this somber winter season. I even got my students to play a simplified version of DnD in class the other day. Basically, I created four classes: wizard, warrior, elf and dwarf. Gave each alternating stats in HP, Attack, Defense and Speed, where the attack is the dice they roll to determine damage, defense was the roll they needed on a d20 for a successful hit - basically just armor class from DnD - and speed determined who went first because explaining initiative to them would’ve been too complicated. They simply chose a class and then battled it out. With only 6 students in that class, it’s a damn shame we didn’t play DnD all semester since I think these folks woulda really enjoyed it, but it being my first semester…I wanted to play it safe and was worried straight-up playing DnD all semester woulda been weird to do in a uni setting (and how wrong I was!)

It has also been nice that my girlfriend has picked up on painting. Having someone else explore their creative habits instead of just watching television all day has also inspired me to not just be a lazy bastard. I watched Miyazaki’s Whisper of the Heart with my writing students the other week and that’s the theme that always hits me the hardest…when you’re in a relationship and both people have their own creative avenues, even when the artistic pursuit is different, it inspires the other person to give it all they got because you want to show each other what you have accomplished. My girlfriend can’t understand the complete narrative of my works because her English is average, yet she still comprehends the passion I put into my creations and notices how it makes me happy, just like I can’t understand painting in the least but when she’s doing it I can feel this sublime joy embracing her every stroke.

I was having fish n’ chips with my mate the other night and it’s always good having a chat with him because he’s also a sexually deviant atheist writer. He’s an author of children’s books, and in some strange way, this has helped me realize a direction to take in my writing…away from the Joyce/Beckett-esque narratives I have tried creating, coming to the realization I can in no way attempt to rise to their ranks and need to find my own voice in this fear-stricken world at war. He asked me how my writing had been going and I simply replied I hadn’t the time now that Fallout 4 was in my possession. He said that was a damn shame; gaming was great but it wasn’t worth sacrificing valuable time that could be spent honing one’s creative craft. I didn’t disagree with his statement, but it had been nice reliving those times of years past hiding away in the virtual world and becoming this superman entity that before only resided in the daydreaming passing me by while twitching pencils and calculators in the classroom. I took what he said to heart. The following day, he was hit by a car…yes, he’s fine now nothing fatal, but nonetheless, it was another wake-up call to taking action NOW and not waiting for some other time…because who knows if the future will ever come in this fragile life we all live. I am glad to say his recovery is going well, and I hope the next time we meet I can tell him about the advancements I’ve made on my end in pursuing my artistic calling.

I’d like to think this journey has helped me in better realizing who I am. It’s a shame I’m less productive in creative outlets with all the free time I’m given, yet I am starting to come to terms with this overarching idleness that has controlled me since my adolescent years where the beginnings of existential angst and anxiety began dominating my entire being. I love playing video games and eating/drinking on a god damn leather chair all day, though my soul yearns for something more than passing through this world as another nameless pawn who works day to day just to put food on the table and forgot one day it’ll all end and I’ll be ashes in the fray. The time for allowing doubt and apathy pave my path are hopefully dwindling, for I know these feelings will reside with me so long as I breathe, but only through action and determination can I hope creating a work capturing my sardonic perception of this life. Not much to update on from my end, same old same old, I’ve changed but I’m the same radical bastard I was back then, just older and more prepared for the disappointments and joys of living. About half a year before I’m back to the states for a visit…let’s see how much more can change before then.