Winter
arrived suddenly; autumn passed over silently; the memories of summer a dim
memory playing a discordant melody in the background. I bought a PS4 recently because I knew I
wouldn’t be leaving my house much during such a dire time of year. I thought
maybe this could be a time to get back into writing and finally begin the first
steps into that premiere novel I’ve put off for year after year. No time like
the present, but it’s a shame when there’s never any feeling in the present. 3
more weeks in the semester, 2 weeks of marking thereafter, and then 6 weeks
off. Will I fully utilize that time to pursue artistic interest? Maybe finally
learn Chinese after a year and a half living here. I can relearn guitar since
this guitar has been sitting round for half a year with barely any play.
Perhaps hit up the gym more since my developing beer gut seems a health issue.
I’m not sure yet what potential I will achieve come the winter holiday starting
mid-January, but it is certain I won’t have too many options in leaving my
house so I’ll need to make the most of it. My whole plan of getting this
university gig was it would put me into the environment of academia and thus
would inspire me back into my own academic pursuits i.e. my writing career and
pursuing my master’s degree.
Near
the middle of the summer, I began to await winter’s return because the heat was
becoming too much. The grass is always greener, in this case greyer. Winter’s
arrival has not been the greatest, yet it has reminded me what time of year it
is: Dungeons n Dragons. I began my first campaign as DM (dungeon master, for
noobs who don’t know) this past Wednesday and so far it has revitalized the
creative spirit nestling inside of me. The introduction to the campaign was
taken directly from Fallout 4, since I have logged countless days in the past 2
weeks and it has taken total control of my brain. Because it’s far too grim to
play a post-apoctolyptic wasteland for the whole campaign, I am currently
working on a world map and giving players options to choose which worlds they
want to spend adventures in and I will draw up cities and adventures in these
cities (and not surprisingly, everyone wants middle earth and I’m all like aye
LOTR is average). It was awesome playing the evil conjurer Ted Flannigan in our
previous campaign, yet thus far it has been so much more rewarding being the
DM, the person needling in the fabrics of the story and watching his creation
unfold before him with the help of an epic crew. The crew is also a lot more
rounded out this time around: two heavy-hitters, a squirrel person capable of
communicating with vast amounts of creatures, a bard with amazing support
abilities, and of course the all-powerful mage with his major setback of being
such a fragile little thing. We had to spend most of the night doing character
creation, but I am sure this is something I will be looking forward to every
Wednesday during this somber winter season. I even got my students to play a
simplified version of DnD in class the other day. Basically, I created four
classes: wizard, warrior, elf and dwarf. Gave each alternating stats in HP,
Attack, Defense and Speed, where the attack is the dice they roll to determine
damage, defense was the roll they needed on a d20 for a successful hit -
basically just armor class from DnD - and speed determined who went first
because explaining initiative to them would’ve been too complicated. They
simply chose a class and then battled it out. With only 6 students in that
class, it’s a damn shame we didn’t play DnD all semester since I think these folks
woulda really enjoyed it, but it being my first semester…I wanted to play it
safe and was worried straight-up playing DnD all semester woulda been weird to
do in a uni setting (and how wrong I was!)
It
has also been nice that my girlfriend has picked up on painting. Having someone
else explore their creative habits instead of just watching television all day
has also inspired me to not just be a lazy bastard. I watched Miyazaki’s Whisper of the Heart with my writing
students the other week and that’s the theme that always hits me the
hardest…when you’re in a relationship and both people have their own creative
avenues, even when the artistic pursuit is different, it inspires the other
person to give it all they got because you want to show each other what you
have accomplished. My girlfriend can’t understand the complete narrative of my
works because her English is average, yet she still comprehends the passion I
put into my creations and notices how it makes me happy, just like I can’t
understand painting in the least but when she’s doing it I can feel this
sublime joy embracing her every stroke.
I
was having fish n’ chips with my mate the other night and it’s always good
having a chat with him because he’s also a sexually deviant atheist writer. He’s
an author of children’s books, and in some strange way, this has helped me
realize a direction to take in my writing…away from the Joyce/Beckett-esque
narratives I have tried creating, coming to the realization I can in no way
attempt to rise to their ranks and need to find my own voice in this
fear-stricken world at war. He asked me how my writing had been going and I
simply replied I hadn’t the time now that Fallout 4 was in my possession. He
said that was a damn shame; gaming was great but it wasn’t worth sacrificing valuable
time that could be spent honing one’s creative craft. I didn’t disagree with
his statement, but it had been nice reliving those times of years past hiding
away in the virtual world and becoming this superman entity that before only
resided in the daydreaming passing me by while twitching pencils and
calculators in the classroom. I took what he said to heart. The following day,
he was hit by a car…yes, he’s fine now nothing fatal, but nonetheless, it was
another wake-up call to taking action NOW and not waiting for some other time…because
who knows if the future will ever come in this fragile life we all live. I am
glad to say his recovery is going well, and I hope the next time we meet I can
tell him about the advancements I’ve made on my end in pursuing my artistic
calling.
I’d
like to think this journey has helped me in better realizing who I am. It’s a
shame I’m less productive in creative outlets with all the free time I’m given,
yet I am starting to come to terms with this overarching idleness that has
controlled me since my adolescent years where the beginnings of existential
angst and anxiety began dominating my entire being. I love playing video games
and eating/drinking on a god damn leather chair all day, though my soul yearns
for something more than passing through this world as another nameless pawn who
works day to day just to put food on the table and forgot one day it’ll all end
and I’ll be ashes in the fray. The time for allowing doubt and apathy pave my
path are hopefully dwindling, for I know these feelings will reside with me so
long as I breathe, but only through action and determination can I hope creating
a work capturing my sardonic perception of this life. Not much to update on
from my end, same old same old, I’ve changed but I’m the same radical bastard I
was back then, just older and more prepared for the disappointments and joys of
living. About half a year before I’m back to the states for a visit…let’s see
how much more can change before then.
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