The Napkin Chronicles II

I went to my favorite spot tonight for a good write-up: Lawson, a Japanese convenient store where you can purchase meals (like chicken fried rice, sushi rolls, sandwiches, curry, spaghetti), grab a few cold ones, and grab some snacks for later (in tonight’s case, I went for the nacho cheese Doritos, because they really are that good). I was sitting by the window enjoying this mix of chicken, egg, potato, kimchi, and rice…drinking a few beers of course; I viewed out the window watching the movements of dozens upon dozens shuffle by the busy dimly lit streets. I wondered what existential questions dazzle their minds

It’s August, I am restless

Last August, also restless

Also August, also hot as sin

More air conditioned, less outside time

What questions came to my mind a year ago? August 2014 still locked up in my parent’s home, watching Netflix and putting my college degree to no good use as I pay off the student loans at an incredibly asinine interest rate…no, it’s not questions that haunt my very essence; same question always lingering: what am I doing with my life?

Answer: Teaching, to make a living, regardless the means, I’ll teach and I’ll have to like it because I wasted 4 years on a shit liberal arts degree…deluding myself on some schizophrenic  high school idealism telling me this was the only path the one carved for the social justice warrior led astray his surrounding flock and in turn becoming a sheep nonetheless.

What trivialities come to my mind this August?

Breakfast Time: Do I really want to cook eggs and veggies this morning? I could possibly just skip breakfast and eat a bigger lunch….though, McDonalds does have a chicken biscuit and a hashbrown….but, Pizza Hut has unlimited coffee until 10:30 and that comes with average bacon n’ toast…I think I should just skip Breakfast; I’d rather sleep for an extra hour, after all I’ve got all in the time in the world to do….wait, what am I doing again?

Right Before Noon: Damn I’m hungry, why did I skip breakfast? Now I’m angry. I should read more literature. Or practice my grammar. Nah, fucks it, iz fine

Lunch Time: That was delicious.

Following Lunch: When’s dinner?

Dinner: That was delicious. I wonder if I’ll get laid tonight. I wonder if I’ll spend countless hours on the internet scrolling through bullshit

Following Dinner: I wonder why I spent my whole evening scrolling through useless bullshit on the internet

Before Bed: Did I forget to do something? That’s right, I didn’t wash my clothes, I swear I would do that today….I promise to do it…first thing….in the..m.ornnnn

Bed: Life is pretty groovy, I guess.

            I walked home gazing through the late night traffic, Doritos and beer in hand striding a careful path, one taken many times before. In just two weeks, my environment: still the same country; same city; same general thing; however, my behavior will change again and I will adapt a new norm for comfortability: a new shell to call my home.

            On my return home I pondered what the evening would bring me: I will eat the Doritos; I will drink the beer. I passed by a billboard with a picture of Iron Man and Captain America posing with some carbonated beverage. I forget I am in China sometimes, the words are different, written in those Chinese characters, but the meaning is the same…a capitalist wasteland. The people are all the same, obsessing over their phones and monitary gains. I too, am like them, a fact I try to hide. I got a new phone last week and have spent every waking minute on it playing many a game and studying Chinese…ok, really just playing games and chatting on facebook but occasionally I’ll open up Pleco and try to learn a new word. Life has become a dream, one I don’t wish to wake up from. It’s weird how out here one’s national identity points out more. When I see a black guy from America, I don’t think of him as a black American but rather just an American. I too, am an American. Not extremely proud in a nationalist identity, but I am what I am and it has shaped me into who I have become.

            The following morning I had a panic attack on the bus. Not one of those panic attacks where you’re gasping and causing a scene…no, this was one purely in my mind and all I could do was look out the window and stare at the endless 20-story buildings. I felt trapped around all these people and this multitude of thoughts always haunting me. My brain said a beer would help, I knew that true, but it was also continue to cripple me. Korean food did the trick in the end.

           

            There are options in my life now: where will I travel next; will I get  a degree in Digital Learning; do I want to continue teaching for the rest of my life; will I stay with my girlfriend and become a family man; will I go back to the American food industry (note: no); what will my next campaign of DnD be like; what will I do for my winter vacation; should I ever attempt writing a novel again; should I continue blogging.

            I sometimes wonder why I continue to write. Probably for the same reason I first picked it up a dozen years ago, because like meditation, it allows me to format my thoughts the most practical way possible while trying to figure out how to better myself and my condition. Though still, sometimes, it all seems so pointless twiddling away my fingers with a limited vocabulary in expressing whatever comes to mind. I observe the Chinese on a daily basis, and hope to soon write a collection of short stories told through the perspective of random Chinese people. The problem here will be a lack of understanding of their culture, but I hope to at the least try to figure out what motivates them to keep going. I wonder what goes on in the mind of many of these people: the small shop next to my apartment; the woman selling fruits on the street; the bus driver taking the same 5 km bus route day in to day out; the teacher assistant who gets paid fuck all while white men working half their hours get paid in gold to scream a few English words in an hour and a half session; what of the street sweepers and the maids and the Mcdonalds employees dressed in their slave uniforms; the CEOs and corrupt businessmen; the 19-year old boy in the food court who takes leftovers from people’s tray so he can feed himself; the man covered in burns who sits outside the shopping mall with a hat of 1’s; the foreigners with no real endgame; the whores and the misfits; the students who spend their entire childhoods wasting away on test results and useless knowledge; the parents who support this recklessness for their children; the traffic policeman who stands in the middle of the road probably frightened to death by the ridiculous drivers who whiz by him every hour; and of course, I wonder what goes on in the unconsciousness of my loved one.

            So, I will continue to blog, but I will begin talking less about my experiences here and shifting my prose to narrative pieces that capture a humorous interpretation of my viewing of how these people view themselves. It will be far from the truth, but I have never been one for the truth but rather one who cares for comedy with a setting disguised as fact. I will also post some of my lesson plans for university from time to time whenever I craft one I think is truly magical, especially updating about how I will use Dungeons and Dragons and role-playing gaming with my graduate students. Cheers, and may the force be with yah.